Half of my Saturdays present a bit of a challenge for me.  On the good ones, it is the day that Ivan comes back from his mom’s to spend the week with me. However, the alternating Saturdays are the days that he goes back to her house and I spend the week missing the little monkey. I suppose that since many divorced parents (especially Dads) do not even have a 50/50 arrangement with their kids I should consider myself lucky but lucky does not really make those Saturdays any easier.


My solution to this sense of loss is to work at things I might not be able to do with a six-year-old in tow or just have as much grown-up fun as I can find on a Saturday afternoon. This past Saturday, my wife and I did both: since we do not have an internet connection at home we packed up the laptop and headed out into the world to see what we could conquer. The focus was placed on cleaning out our basement with the hopes of maybe finding a few extra bucks in the process.
We started our festivities at the local library but I do not like to whisper and hide the fact that I smuggled a bottle of water in with me. The library suits me for independent work but team projects are an absolute nuisance. Somewhere along the way my wife noticed on Facebook that Matty’s in downtown Anderson had some pretty nice drink specials with the added bonus that you do not have to whisper there.  We quickly made up our minds to make the two-block adventure to our new temporary office (aka bar).
When we were posting our craigslist ads from the library, they were every bit as boring and informational as a classified ad should be. Description, price, picture was the formula and was tedious and painful to type. Something changed when we got to Matty’s, though. Maybe it was the beer or maybe it was the livelier, more jovial environment but I decided to have a little more fun with the advertising.  Here are some of the resulting descriptions:
·    We are selling a twin size mattress, box spring and frame. It is the smallest bed money can buy and therefore is perfect for single skinny people and children. It was purchased as a bed for the guest room and therefore had limited opportunity to be soiled by dirty people. We are not attaching a picture because we assume you know what a mattress looks like.

·    The microwave is a revolutionary appliance that makes heating up your food fast and easy. Every kitchen should have one and for the low price of $20, you should buy this one. It even has a defrost feature and an amazing spinning tray!!!!!!! She's a beaut'!

·    Three-wheel kid jogger. Seriously, this thing is nice. I've actually thought about having more children just so I can use this more. It is that nice.

·    This television is really, really small and would look ridiculous in your living room. Honestly, nobody would ever want to watch TV at your house again. However, it is perfect in the kitchen and you spend a lot of time there, too. This is a great purchase.

·    Old-school big screen projection television. Great TV for playroom, gameroom or mancave.

·    This car seat is designed to secure your child and keep him or her from flying around like a crash test dummy in the event of an accident. That reminds me: does anyone remember the talking crash test dummies in those commercials in the 1980's? I can't even remember what those commercials were for. I'll knock $5 off the price if you can refresh my memory.

By the way, the size is from about 2 1/ to 4 1/2 years if I remember my child's development properly.
So far we have received inquiries about the bed, the microwave, and the tiny television. None of the first set of boring posts have generated any interest. I am fairly certain that this means a dose of humor can go a long way in generating sales of old, unwanted furniture and appliances.  Alternatively, it could just mean that people like cheap stuff but I prefer to give credit to my amazing sense of humor. I will probably start getting requests to write ads for other people any moment now…
…Or maybe not, since I may not be allowed to continue to use craigslist as a forum for my hilarity. I would be remiss not to mention that the car seat advertisement was pulled about an hour after I posted it due to an undetermined violation of craigslist’s terms of service. I have reviewed the post and the terms of service a dozen times each and still do not have the slightest idea what I might have posted that was illegal, misleading, or offensive.  The only reasonable explanation is that Craigslist is against child safety. I know this is shocking and disheartening but I believe that it is irrefutable based on their treatment of my car seat post.
I am currently more than eight hundred words into this blog post and I am not entirely sure what any of it has to do with the South Carolina Upstate.  This seems to me a recurring theme here and I apologize for my meandering subject matter (unless you enjoy it, in which case: Thanks!)  For now though, I suppose I will just offer these few bits of advice: First, I suggest that you “Like” Matty’s on Facebook so you can find out when you can drink $2.50 Red Stripes while you borrow their wi-fi.
Secondly, use the money you save on these beer specials to buy some of the extra stuff cluttering up our basement. Finally (and most importantly) remember to never under any circumstances allow craigslist to give your child a ride ANYWHERE.
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