A Guide To Dating On I-85

Well, not exactly.

If I did not see this for myself, I would not believe it actually happened.  Even then I would have written it off as an isolated incident if the story had not been retold to Chris by an unrelated party months later.  Confident in its authenticity, I am prepared to announce that I-85 has a new attraction that you should definitely be aware of (no, not the weird, dirty snow tubing place that never really opened near Exit 35).

The man with the worst approach to meeting women is cruising up and down I-85 and he is looking for you.  By “you” I mean, “attractive blonde that is way out of his league”.  He toes the line between “creepy” and “ridiculous” and we feel compelled to share his desperate approach to finding love.

Several months ago we were driving to Greenville early on a weekday morning when we noticed a white Toyota Camry driving erratically (even by I-85 standards).  The car was weaving in and out of traffic to catch up to an SUV with Clemson University and sorority stickers plastering the back windshield.  It was just another case of kids being kids, right? Yeah, not so much.  

When traffic got just congested enough for us to catch up to them, the story unfolded.  The SUV was piloted by a young, attractive and most notably, bleach blonde, college girl.  The pursuing Camry was driven by a meathead that looked like a Jersey Shore reject 25 years past his prime.  The clincher of the display was that he appeared to be driving next to her holding up signs in the window for her to read and (presumably) fall in love with.  Whether they said “Hey baby” or “I want to eat your liver after you meet my momma” was unclear at the time but the result was that she looked extremely uncomfortable and sped up and changed lanes at every opportunity.  

At this point we wondered if we were witnessing some kind of assault-in-the-making and discussed the time at which some kind of intervention would be required. Fortunately, however, the young lady’s disgust finally became clear to Guido McSteroid and she sped away as he abandoned his pursuit.  Naturally, this when we caught up to Mr. McSteroid just so we could get a better look at the 50-something year old guy with a pock-marked face and a sleeveless shirt cruising the highway for women at 7 AM on a Wednesday. 

And then we laughed.  Even Ivan laughed, actually. From time to time he still mentions the “big dumb guy writing notes to girls on the highway”.  If this is an early lesson on how ridiculous a man can look when trying to meet women, well then, I hope it sticks.  

Like I said, we wrote this off as an isolated incident. Maybe he thought he knew her from somewhere, maybe he fell in love at first sight beyond reason, or maybe he just woke up with a terrible new idea that he just had to try out.

Nope, nope, and nope.

About a month ago Chris was eating dinner at Compadre’s with coworkers when a sales representative described an incident that occurred on her way into town.  The story was new to everyone but Chris: a meathead looking older guy in a white Toyota Camry sped up next to her on the interstate and held up a sign that said “Would you be offended if I told you that I admire you?”  For the record, Chris described the sales rep as an attractive blonde.  

Now we have a pattern.  We did not bear witness to an isolated incident but some guy’s premeditated approach to meeting women.  The Upstate officially has an unadvertised interstate attraction and I am intrigued and desire more information.  Yes, we are partially sharing this as a “heads up” for you eye-catching, seemingly-available, blondes of the Upstate but more importantly, we seek answers to this mystery.  In no particular order, here are a few of the questions that arose in our discussions of these incidents.  These are you for you Mr. I-85 Ladies Man:

Is your success rate more or less than one in a gazillion?

Do you write the notes for each individual target or do you drive around with pre-printed signs to select from?

What line of work are you in that allows you to drive a brand new car yet you are unable to afford shirts that have sleeves?

Are you prejudiced against brunettes? Do you find redheads personally offensive?

In the rare event that you have ever been with a woman, was she disappointed at the effect steroids have had on your manhood?

Have you resorted to approaching women on the interstate because bars and other public establishments will no longer allow you on their premises?

Are you on the interstate strictly to stalk women or is this just how you pass time on your way to the gym?

Have you found that writing while driving is safer than or equally dangerous to texting while driving?

How many Jersey Shore posters are hanging on the wall of your bedroom in your mother’s basement?

Do you avoid two-lane roads because there are no neighboring lanes to claim as hunting grounds? 

Does driving on a one-way street make you feel like you are lost in the desert?

Have you ever been turned down by a prostitute because of your appearance? How did that make you feel?

As you travel the Upstate highways, please do us a favor and keep your eyes peeled for this natural wonder and beautiful example of the failures of humanity that surround us all.  Feel free to keep a Sharpie and some paper in your glove box so you can communicate with this fine fellow should you ever cross paths.  Just try not to drive next to him for very long… he drives as well as he picks up women and we do not need any collateral damage if (and when) Darwinism finally takes effect and corrects the errors Mother Nature has beset upon us.  Happy Hunting!